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masks

Post by moon on Sat Dec 08, 2007 10:05 pm

masks


Walking alone in my dream,
I found the red roses,
Coming to catch them,
I found the un real existence.


I know that nothing is real,
I can see masks , no faces,
They say appearance is the goal.

moon

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Re: masks

Post by VaNiShEd LoVe on Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:28 pm

Dear Sara,
Ur usual ideas 7abibty ; appearance and reality.

I like the idea as usual
but u should have worked a little on the text ....

Eg.I know that nothing is real,
I can see masks , no faces,
They say appearance is the goal.


All of the 3 sentences carry the same meaning without new powerful images , i think if u had put only the last one (They say appearance is the goal.) would have given the reader a space to contemplate ........


In addition , u had repeated v.(found) & adj.(real) which can be replaced with another as the text is very short and cannot bear repetition of words with same root ......

I do like the compact and indirect way of the text

Muaaaaaaaah

_________________
"What we call our despair is often only
the painful eagerness of unfed hope. "

George Eliot
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VaNiShEd LoVe

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Re: masks

Post by moon on Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:51 pm

thank u ya gamela soooo much
i liked ur comments
i will try to change as i can but in the next times isa

moon

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Re: masks

Post by Frost Griffin on Sat Dec 22, 2007 11:56 pm

I kind of like it.Still, I have the same notes of Vanished Love.

Waiting for more and more and more and ..........................................







To the infinite and beyond
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Frost Griffin

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